my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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