Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
