foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
