Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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