i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
