Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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