Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
