worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
