you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
