One girl and one boy is just not enough.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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