Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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