I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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