Duck Duck Cougar?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
