I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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