Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
