I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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