i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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