On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize