if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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