I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
