i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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