I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
