1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
