you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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