we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
