Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i dont even know how to be here
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
