is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
