just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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