I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
