Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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