I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
