i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
