I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
