I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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