We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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