i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
