I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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