Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
