I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I fill condoms, not promises.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
