I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
