Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
