he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
