Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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