God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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