I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
