The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
