Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
