end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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