hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
