Someone shit on the floor
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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