WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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