My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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