Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
